i have no idea why i’m posting this

May 15, 2009 in Uncategorized

I’ve been in a bad mood for, well, I don’t know quite how long it’s been, but I know it’s measured in weeks not hours. I’m not OK with it.

It reminds me of a time when, as a teacher, a pupil turned to me towards the end of term and said

‘What’s the matter, Sir? You’ve been grumpy for most of the term.’

She was right. I had. Post-natal depression has such an ability to spread, weed-like across the life of a family, to exploit the cracks and draw out the life and growth.

But today is not about baby blues or new-born anxieties. I’m not sure what’s behind my current era of being two clicks away from being pissed off, but I can have a guess.

It’s about life being beyond my control.

My mother in law used to punctuate conversations about future plans with the words ‘well, we’ll just take it as it comes.’

It used to bug the crap out of me.

I really don’t like taking things ‘as they come’. I’d far, far rather have a hand on the wheel, a few fingers at the keyboard. Control issues? Of course. But I prefer to see it as ‘painting within a big canvas’; I like to create, I like to produce, I like to feel like life has purpose and direction. So when I can’t do that, life feels unnaturally and awkwardly imbalanced. Is that really so bad?

I’m not even sure that I want to learn how to let go and live in the moment. And that’s just another addition to the list of Things Which Are Annoying Me Right Now.

I shall go and scowl and motorists now.

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